When it comes to dessert there’s really only one legitimate option to serve to respectable company, and that’s pie. Why pie? Because every half-witted numbskull with a Betty Crocker cookbook can put together a cake. It’s a fucking piece of cake. But pie? Pie takes time and craftsmanship. It takes GUTS to make a pie. Not real guts, the figurative kind. You walk into a potluck meal with a pie and the gathered masses will wonder “Hey, just how great of a person is that pie-wielding hero?” Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake” because that bitch knew that cake is spongy peasant food masquerading as a treat. Marie Antoinette didn’t give a fuck: she’d rather die than give up her pie.

The granddaddy of all pies is the banana cream pie. Don’t agree? I don’t care; you’re wrong. You probably were born with half a taste bud or had some trauma involving bananas and cream as a youth that you should keep to yourself. For those of us with adult palates and a penchant for the finer things, it gets no better than banana cream pie. It’s the perfect pie for eating and for winging in some clown’s face. Properly employed, it will also get you laid. This is a guarantee.

Anyway, here’s how I make a banana cream pie.

Ingredients:

2-3 bananas, ripe

⅓ cup flour, gluten full

¾ cup sugar, and ½ cup for the crust

3 egg yolks, beat to shit

2 cups whole milk

½ - 2 grams fresh ground marijuana, chef’s choice

bit o’ salt

½ pound o’ butter

honey graham crackers, 2 packs.

1 ¼ teaspoons vanilla extract, more if you like more.

sprinkle of ground cinnamon

GUTS

1. Insert ground marijuana into your preferred smoking receptacle. Find a flame and use it to ignite the marijuana. Inhale the smoke deeply, exhale, and repeat as needed. Many people ignore this first, most precious step. These people will never make a pie the right way.

don't skip step one unless you're a sucker!

2. Preheat your oven to 325. While that’s doing it’s thing, grab a big ziploc bag and a rolling pin (or round booze bottle, works just as well). Put some graham crackers in the bag and smash them to bits. Also, start melting a stick o’ butter, on the stove or in the microwave, your call, buck-o.

3. You’re doing great so far. Next put the smashed up bits of graham cracker, some sugar, and the melted butter in a bowl and mix ‘em up. (about 2 packs of graham, ½ cup o’ sugar, and a stick o’ butter will do, leaving enough delicious crust mixture for you to snack on with a mug of dirt while you make the rest of the pie).

4. Now butter up your pie pan. Use butter, why not? It’s delicious. Then put your delicious crust mixture into the pie pan so that a decent layer of the stuff covers the whole pan, and don’t forget the sides. Pop it in the oven for 10 mins.

delicious crust mixture in a buttered up pie pan. nice.

5. Pull out the crusts after the 10 minutes is up. After that, prepare to make custard by separating the yolks out of your eggs, measuring out your milk, and making sure butter and vanilla are within reaching distance. You’ll need to be prepared to act fast.

6. In a medium saucepan, combine your flour, sugar, and salt and turn your stove on, medium heat. Stir, and while stirring, add the milk slowly. Now comes the boring part, so I hope you are properly stoned and thought in advance to put on some tunes. You’re going to stir until the mixture gets thick, which will take much longer than you’re suspecting at this moment. You’ll think, “This is taking too long, I fucked up for sure, I’ll start over.” You’ll be wrong. Keep stirring. Eventually it will resemble, well, jizz soup. A soup made of jizz is what it looks like, really. When you get there, you've done it!

7. Now that you've used the power of chemistry to create jizz soup, take a spoonful of the bubbling jizzy mixture and mix it into your beaten egg yolks. Then put that new eggy jizz mixture back into the saucepan with the rest of the custard. Stir for a minute, then cut the heat.

8. Add 2 tablespoons of butter, or more if you want, and the vanilla extract and stir ‘til the butter melts.

9. If you haven’t already, slice your bananas and place the slices on your graham cracker crust, covering the bottom. I like to sprinkle a little cinnamon/sugar mixture on the bananas. It’s a nice touch.

10. Pour custard over the bananas and bake for 15 minutes.

11. Cool it before eating it. Serve with whipped cream. Or throw it in the trash, what do I care? It’s your pie, you made it, you are super sweet.

Taste testing the forbidden fruit.

How To Make A Banana Cream Pie