Russian Toilet Etiquette
On a list that includes the post office, public transport, service, and contracts of any kind, you'd probably be surprised that Russia's abysmally bad toilets don't figure high amoung my pet peeves. That could either be because it's a given that toilets should be super shitty by nature, or that it's something I expected all along from a country that neglected aesthetics for most of the 20th century.
My first and worst experience with Russian toilets was on the Trans-Siberian when I set out from Moscow to Kurgan. Just two hours into the journey, the thing was covered in urine, even the toilet paper hanging near the ceiling. I don't know who managed to pull that off on a moving train, but his (her?) feat is worthy of the likes of Yuri Gagarin. The thing was so disgusting that I used it once and never again, and turning down multiple offers to drink tea and water so as not to be obliged to repeat that initial horror. My bladder control was equally heroic, and I sat stoic as a Leningrad blockade victim, reading the better half of Richard Marcinko's Rogue Warrior for the duration of my trip.
However, quite contrary to most Russian-caused damage over here, I actually find foreigners to be the worst offenders of Russian toilet etiquette. So, I decided to write up a little piece to explain to you how to deal with life over here without being a douche, and how to live with such harsh conditions.
First off, Russians don't talk about going to the bathroom. So, announcing to your friends what kind of business you have to take care of is going to draw silence and suspicions about your IQ level. Just go. No explaination is necessary.
Dropping ass, even in a room of burly beer drinkers, is a recipe for getting your stank ass kicked, provided your company is not comatose drunk. A frequent cause for disruption in kids' classes is when someone farts, and stinks up the whole room. This turns children into ravnous gremlins, howling for someone to open a window and thirsting for gas emitter's blood. In the event that it does happen accidentally, do not apologize! Russians have this thing that if you apologize, it means that you've intentionally done something wrong.
If you find yourself having to go to the bathroom somewhere, be aware that the bathroom might be where you are standing at that very moment! Seriously, for guys it's not uncommon just to pee behind some bushes. On my first visit to Russia, when there was no law (or no enforced law) about drinking on the street, people just found a quiet spot while boozing it up in the park. There were outhouses, but they were easily the worst thing I have ever seen, possibly only rivaled by the bathrooms on the train.
For girls and more serious problems, you're going to have to find a public toilet. Thankfully, in big cities they now have pay toilets, which will at least provide toilet paper, but not a clean toilet. Once again, guys have it way easier. Most restaurtants or other establishments won't let you use their restrooms, but now with an epidemic of McDonalds and shopping malls, you can pretty easily find a clean place in any major city. But outside of those places, you're entering a world of misery and filth.
In a lot of public institutions left over from the Soviet days, stalls will often not have doors on them. Kiss your privacy goodbye. I don't know why this is, nor do I have a good solution. All I can say is, wait until the coast is clear, take the stall furthest from the door, and make your prescence known. And be quick about it.
One word of advice: you should always carry toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Bathrooms often lack soap and/or TP, so you want to covet that shit like the Leprechaun's gold. And you'd be amazed how often toilet paper comes in handy for other things.
On the subject of TP, there's usually a garbage can by the side of the toilet, filled with discarded paper. Yes, it's nasty, but that's what they use. You can flush it, but not too much. This is especially vital if you're at someone's house (ie: MINE). Don't use half the goddamn roll--you'll end up clogging the drain, and we'll have to call Ravshan, the best plumber that Tashkent has to offer. That will cost me 500 rubles, you another invitation to my flat, and poor Ravshan his Tuesday evening and appetite.
There's a weird old type of toilet here, with the drain hole in the front and no water. I don't know why this is, but it's used like a normal toilet, so you don't need to sit on it backwards! If you do this in one of those public bathrooms without stall doors, you will, without fail, become a legend amoung the locals as the foreigner who straddled the toilet, and the tale will be recounted to other visitors years after you have left. And you'll cause the next visitor to be asked if all Americans sit on the toilet backwards.
Finally, there's this little brush next to the toilet. It's not just there for when the surly cleaning lady gives the bowl a customary swipe every week with the expediency of a Soviet conscript throwing radioactive debris off the roof of Reactor 4 (though I'd doubt she's ever actually touched that nasty motherfucker). And in a private flat, it's intended for communal use, not just the woman folk who are expected to clean the bathroom. That means it's there for YOU. So pick up that bristle headed son of a bitch and scrape your remains off the bowl before they dry into a hardened crust and I'm left to explain to my wife what sort of savages I'm allowing into our home. Then I will inevitably have to swallow my vomit and tears, face my fear of feces, and clean that shit up, while I silently plot an equally humiliating termination to your time in Russia.
Expect the worst. Take your own toilet paper. Don't overload the plumbing. Use the toilet brush. And above all, have a sense of humour about it all; not only will you reap the benefit of making the best of a crappy situation, but you will find something over which to bond with your Russian friends when they don't agree with your less than flattering assessment of their military might.
