(Most) Video Reviews Suck
I can't argue that the internet is a great tool that has given an outlet for voices the world around that would otherwise go unheard. These range from novelists and critics to philosophers and armchair politicians. Though one might not exactly agree with all of these voices, or even find them to be of any degree of quality, they have their place on the web. I certainly count myself amoung them, and Food and Pussy is a good example of one of those voices that might not appeal to everyone.
But there are a few things I just can't bring myself to stomach. And those are video reviews. By this, I mean when someone records themself talking about an album, movie, book, or whatever, and posts it on Youtube. Now, don't get me wrong--there are some good video reviewers out there, but if we compare them to the number of people who actually write reviews, the scales tip in favour of the super shitty.
Most of these reviews have someone rambling with no real focus. I've really lost count the number of ones where it's been someone laying on their bed or stoned out of their gourd going "the new Vital Remains album is...like, whoa...Tony Lazaro's guitar is just like...so...fucking brutal...and that cover art...I was a fan of Vital Remains since, like...you know..."
There are two main problems I have with these reviews: they're usually boring as hell and they're even more disorganized. I can read an album review in about 5 minutes, rather than listen to someone lead me on some meandering journey for twelve or fifteen minutes. If I'm in a real hurry, I can pick out the key points of the review and decide if I really want to invest time and money in the product in a minute or less. With a video review, I don't have that luxury, and in that minute of listening to some slob sitting in his parents' basement hamhandedly describe what he did this weekend before getting to the matter at hand, I am Googling visa requirements for Azerbaijan or pictures of Maria Sharapova.
Webcams have given us a great ability to show something, so I expect people to use it. Who wants to see someone's greasy mug and their modest living quarters? Go somewhere interesting to record, since you've probably got an iPhone. You might also consider showing me the product in question, especially if it's a vinyl with a killer gatefold. Or, you could just do anything interesting. And don't multitask--that slice of pizza can wait until you finish! Or better yet, you could eat that pizza while you hash out the main points of what you want to say.
Which brings us to the next point: disorganization. When you tell your buddies about the latest Morbid Angel album, you can backtrack, argue points, and have a conversation, which actively includes the listener. There's no time limit, and you don't even have to be careful of where the conversation is headed, because it will lead wherever the participants want it to.
Not so when you record. Then it's just you having a one way conversation. When was the last time you asked someone for their opinion about something, and were treated to 15 uninterrupted minutes of blabbering? How did you feel? I can recall several recent conversations of that nature that lasted less than five minutes, and they all enticed me to flee and/or murder. I would bet you'd feel the same way. And if said conversation is disorganized, you may actually carry out your innermost desires.
When you record yourself, you have the ability to edit what you said, and redo it if it sucks. Sure, it's going to take longer to actually finish the damn thing, but the result will be well worth it. In stand up comedy and some other professions you can shoot from the hip, but there's a reason why only the few good ones can make a career out of it. Everyone else has to put in effort, and that means thinking before and after. Compare Metallica to the local teenage garage band; it's not Metallica's money that made them good, but a lot of practice and attention to detail.
When it comes to teens and kids, these videos are excusable, because those kids gushing about their favourite Hunger Games character might actually pick up a pen (or their keyboard) and go pro in a few years. Not only that, but speaking in front of a camera and putting it on the internet takes some balls, balls I don't have because I don't like my voice, face, or mannerisms too much. Doing these video reviews can be a good exercise for public speaking, if they are done correctly. They also promote spontenaity, because despite what I have already said about organization, a good video review has a flexible quality to it.
There are some interesting video reviewers out there. I watched with great glee one review mercilessly and precisely trash Queensryche's Frequency Unknown before destroying it with his barehand. Not only was it really funny and appealing to my caveman lust for destruction, it clocked in at under 5 minutes and followed an organized format.
Technology has certainly improved our lives and provided us with endless oppurtunities to express ourselves. Though we shouldn't limit what we want to say, we have to engage our brains more so that we can say it more effectively.