Maddie's Mad Wedding by N.P. Yuggoth
The beautiful summer sun shone down from the sky as Maddie's small feet passed over the freshly cut grass. Gentle notes of the wedding march played over the speakers hiding under a flair of flowers on the altar. Though she had to keep her eyes on her steps to keep from tripping over her wedding dress, she could not keep her eyes off of Trevor in his smashing tuxedo, its black and white matching his dark eyes and beard against his skin.
This was no easy feat: the veil obscured her already impaired vision, now even worse because she hadn't put in contacts, her exquisite shoes were cumbersome, and there was her father to worry about. Tradition holds that a father should lead his daughter to the altar and give her away, but today, it was Maddie who was leading dad forward, step by clumsy step. Only half way to the priest, and Maddie thought she was going to be intoxicated from the drafts of alcoholic breath coming off of dad.
Even worse was the fact that every time dad had to wipe tears from his face, he lurched to the side, as if thrown off balance by the motion of his hand. Maddie tried to ignore the stares of her family and Trevor's family, convincing herself that those were looks meant for her, in awe of how beautiful she looked. But nothing could mask the sneer from her mother's and step-father John's faces.
More than a few of the wedding guests looked unfazed. Those would have been uncle Frank and Maddie's cousins, Alex and Mike, who had been celebrating with dad until the wee hours of the morning. Mike was, mercifully, passed out, whereas Alex's head bobbed back and forth to the tempo of the wedding march, his eyes nearly bleeding from the THC he had ingested at breakfast. The groomsmen were equally as wrecked, victims of Trevor's bachelor party. Luckily, Maddie's bridesmaids had done a good job of disguising their hangovers and trysts with make-up and perfume.
“Careful, daddy, there's a step,” Maddie whispered as they reached the altar. Dad fumbled, and turned back, taking a seat next to his ex-wife.
Maddie took her place next to the priest, and looked over to Trevor. Though he was dashing, his eyes were red, and there were two large red scratches on the side of his neck that hadn't been there before he headed off to his bachelor party last night. Maddie caught the whiff of something more vile than the Night Train pouring off of Trevor's body.
No, it's not that...
“Dearly beloved,” the priest said, and opened his Bible. Maddie's heart began racing.
Oh my god, this is it. I'm going to become a bride, a complete, independent, and strong woman!
Maddie looked out again at the crowd. Dad sat motionless in his seat, crying silent tears, but everyone else had smiles on their faces, especially Alex. Even Mike with his head tossed back and mouth hung open, smiling as he dreamed of one of the attractive bridesmaids.
“We are gathered today to join these two souls, Madeline and Trevor, in holy matrimony,” the priest intoned, his voice soothing and confident.
Just then came the roar of an engine at the gates of the park. Maddie caught the movement of a large white delivery truck, turning onto the sidewalk leading towards the wedding. It smashed through two sawhorses, but went unnoticed to the spectators.
Oh no, please, don't let anything ruin my special day...it almost already has, no don't say that, it wasn't her it couldn't have been...
Maddie's eyes shot up to Trevor, and a coy smile flashed across her face. She took a deep breath and caught that scent again.
Everything's fine. I'm here, with Trevor. I'm going to become Missus Bradley in just a few short minutes. Just as long as--
Another roar came from the delivery truck, and this time everyone heard it. The soft grass over which Maddie and dad had just walked was rent asunder as the driver slammed on the brakes, a large swath tearing off like a slice of cheese as the back end swung violently to face the altar. Maddie had just enough time to catch the name off the side of the truck:
Absquatulation Inc.
A division of Lombard Industries
Detroit, MI
Gonkulating you since 1982!
The priest looked up, alarmed, but not so much as to not complete the ceremony.
Bzzzzzzz!
The metal door at the back of the truck rose slowly, stopping with an audible click. Something within glinted in the sunlight. For one moment, you could hear but the buzzing of a lone cicada in the distance.
“What the fuck is that?” came uncle Frank's voice, followed by a gaggle of laughter from Alex, and twodull thwacks as Aunt Rosie smacked her husband and son with her purse.
The answer came as an explosion of sparkling rhinestones shot beams of light into the wedding party's eyes. With two steps, the bearer of said rhinestones made himself known, clad in a tight white jumpsuit and oversize rhinestone encrusted sunglasses riding the bridge of his nose and mutton chops.
“I told you he was still alive!” whispered aunt Diane.
“The King!” gasped Trevor's father, Gordon.
Even in this degraded, overweight state, it was clear that it was not Elvis himself, but someimpersonator making a mockery of the King . This degenerate asshole hadn't even had the decency to impersonate Cool Elvis, King of Rock N' Roll, in his black leather, but rather don the rags of Fat Disco Elvis, resplendent in chintz and flair. He lurched forward with each footstep swinging a dazzling microphone of pure chrome as if to keep his balance.
Of course it's chrome. He always said that in Valhalla everything was chrome...
No one but Maddie would know him by his proper name, for none but she had worked at Gatsby's bar, where this cretin had slung burgers and pizzas, sometimes at her. Though his features melted into a blur in her diminished eyesight, it was by the marks of the beast that Maddie knew him, a pewter pentagram and a tattoo across his chest proclaiming:
STRAIGHT TO HELL!
“Rocky!” Maddie howled, her face and body wilting.
“Oh god,” gasped Maddie's little sister, Eve, who likewise had spent a summer at Gatsby's. Unlike Maddie, she had been spared the winter months, when Rocky and his gang of miscreant kitchen staff succumbed to boredom and funneled their energy into idiotic, and sometimes cruel, pranks against the waitstaff.
A huge man stepped out of the cab of the delivery truck, clad only in a pair of blue running shorts and a pair of sunglasses. His skin was olive, and hair covered every inch of his body, including his beer gut. He climbed into the back of the truck, past Rocky, and sat down behind a drum kit.
“Someone stop them!” screeched a female of Trevor's family.
Maddie shot a look at Trevor, who stood with mouth agape, eyes fixed on the two clowns in the delivery truck.
“Trevor, do something!” Maddie pleaded.
Trevor's eyes flared. The breeze blew silently, carrying that smell.
Please, no, Trevor would never, no he wouldn't, he wouldn't do that, no, never, not her, no she's gone far far away--
The fat driver counted off a sloppy four count, and a pre-recorded piano melody flooded out of the truck.
“How could I just let you walk away?” Rocky warbled.
“What the hell's going on?” mumbled dad.
“Hot damn! That's a Phil Collins song!” Alex exclaimed.
“Against All Odds!” Gordon yelled.
“Trevor! Do something!” Maddie screeched.
“What should I do?” he said, waving his open palms at the heavens.
Oh gawd oh gawd he did he did he smells that way that same way that she smelled oh gawd it can't be it can't be no no no
Rocky pointed out to the bridesmaids, his finger settling on Maddie's 18 year old cousin, nearly 20 years younger than him. “How you doin' tonight, little lady?” he asked in a break in the lyrics.
“Daddy!” Maddie yelled, but daddy didn't move.
“Stop those hooligans!” yelled mom, but upon seeing no reaction save stunned stares, she pushed her third husband, and Maddie's current step-father, John, to his feet.
“All right, you assholes, you've had your fun,” he said, sauntering down the isle.
He only got a quarter of the way to the truck before an awoken Mike stood up, and in one quick motion, flung his half empty flask at John. The silver vessel traveled eloquently through the air, before meeting the base of John's neck with a muffled clunk.
“Like hell you will! This is my jam!” Mike shouted.
John collapsed, hand pressed to his neck.
“You little fuck! How dare you!” mom screamed, and jumped over her chair and into the next row. She swung her purse blindly over the heads of those in the second row, failing to land a direct hit on Mike. One particularly violent swing threw her totally off balance. Though the spectators tried to hold her up, it was no use, and they, along with the entire row of immaculate white chairs, went crashing into the third row. Some nameless, semi-geriatric aunt of sort went down with a screech.
Alex, Mike and uncle Frank were now howling with laughter, which only added to the indignity of Maddie's mom and John. Enraged, John shot to his feet, and sprung across the melee, only to trip over the mass of bodies.
“Trevor! Do something! They're ruining our day!” Maddie wept.
You've already ruined it Trevor oh God I loved you I still love you you have no idea how I feel but I still love you just please stop this stop this and I can forgive what you did you know what you did with her I know that smell that smell of her her her her she always smelled like that that cheap fucking whore oh God and baby Jesus I'm so sorry just don't let it be her let it be someone else please make this stop fucking Rocky that asshole
Trevor's eyes widened, and his mouth closed like a fish gasping on dry land. His hands shook at his sides.
“Daddy! STOP THEM! They're ruining my day!”
Dad stood up as the drummer played a sloppy drum roll, and began to violently play along to Phil Collins' tender love ballad. Just then a row of pyrotechnic explosives blow six jets of flame skyward with a mighty roar. Trevor's eyes shot over to his uncle Van, whose eyes darted about the area before he regained his composure.
The flash was enough to blind those staring directly at them, but the shock wave knocked dad to the ground and temporarily interrupted the makeshift mosh pit. The priest shielded his eyes. The other side of the crowd got up and rushed into the maw of chaos, hoping to restore at least some semblance of order.
Rocky and his drummer didn't miss a note.
“Shut up, you sewer rats!” John yelled, jumping to his feet and taking a clumsy swing at Alex. The force of the attempted blow was so strong that it sent John forward, off of his feet, and back to the ground.
“Fucking motley crew!” yelled John's son, Elias, who ran towards Alex.
“Stop it, Elias!” Maddie yelled.
“Elias! Don't!” yelled Elias' wife, Tina.
Elias didn't even hear them, his heart was pounding so loudly. He landed a punch on Alex's face, but his second blow went wild, giving Mike and uncle Frank enough time to close the distance and begin pummeling Elias mercilessly. Their instincts and moves hardened by years of bar fighting and their bodies anesthetized by trace amounts of booze, they attacked Elias as a single robotic unit. Elias, who, by the power of the risen Jesus, had never let a drop of booze touch his lips since high school, was overpowered by the cascade of blows.
Getting to his feet, Alex landed two quick jabs in Elias' tender balls. Alex should have known better; it was an unwritten rule that if the first nutshot didn't trigger a vomit reflex, then the second would. Still, had he had the capacity to realize this, there would have been no way for Alex to move out of the way of the stream of vomit, nonetheless warn his fellow streetfighters to yield.
The puke landed squarely on Alex's back, and slid along the slick fabric of his tuxedo. Chunks of half digested blueberry muffins and scrambled eggs leapt into the faces of the spectators in the row directly behind. Maddie's teenage cousins, Billy and Jane, caught the worst of it, but it was the mixture of stomach acid and rapturous strudel topping that hit Jane's taste buds, triggering her own vomit reflex. She turned and barfed right into her mother's purse.
Well, at least I can't smell her Jesus all that vomit what a stench oh my gawd!!!
On Trevor's family's side, Aunt Mildred swooned as the reek of regurgitation swept over her and another round of pyrotechnics exploded.
“MEDIC!” shouted uncle Van as he dove into the row of people behind him, taking them all down.
“Oh fuck, not this again!” Trevor mumbled.
“We got fuckin' tangos on the wire!” Van howled. “Get down you fuckin' grunts!”
“Van!” shouted Trevor's mom..
“Hit the deck, you dumb cunt!” Van yelled. “It's a fucking ambush!”
Van scrambled to pull his cellphone out of his pocket. “Ghost Z Nine! Ghost Z Nine! I need Hotel Echo on the double! Coordinates one zero one X-ray! Get Sniffer Anklebiter WOW in here now! Edgecrusher, I want snipers up on that ridge!”
Thinking that Van was a potentially dangerous veteran, Tina grabbed her mace and ran over to put him out of commission before he could find the gun that every dangerous war vet had, especially since Wisconsin had passed the conceal carry law. Little did she know that uncle Van had never been in the military; in fact, the roots of his dementia were deeply tangled in one fateful on-line gaming binge laced with bad LCD. He may have been calling out coordinates and real orders, but his comrades were only screen names of like-minded outcasts that had sacrificed their meager socials skills for glory in the arena of virtual warfare.
“I've got him!” yelled Tina as she let the mace spray in Van's face.
“Get off my brother, you Bible bashing twat!” came the enraged voice of Trevor's mom. What she lacked in size to Tina's six foot plus frame, Trevor's mom made up for with twenty plus years of bar tending at the family tavern. Like uncle Frank, she had seen her fair share of bar fights, and had taken down men more than Tina's size with a few choice blows. She jumped on Tina's back and showered down a storm of punches on Tina's ears and cheeks.
Rocky and his drummer kept playing, seeming to be oblivious to the mayhem. Maddie looked to the bridesmaids for help, but they were frozen in the grip of abject horror. A flask flew up from a point unknown and connected with Trevor's face. The blow knocked out all but his most reptilian brain functions, and his hands grasped Maddie's arms as he collapsed.
With Trevor's face pressed to hers, the insanity took a step into the background. She could disconnect the roars of indignation and cries for divine intervention from the individuals producing them, and see the scene for what it was, what it really was. She could feel the underlying buzz of primal energy, more ancient than the crypts of Alexandria or the ziggurats of Sumer, omnipresent and inexorable. Her initial horror dissipated to be replaced with a cold resignation to fate, and with it, an uncomfortable, yet enticing desire to witness just how this would all end.
Near the edge of the trees, Maddie could see the priest's back, his coattails flapping in the wind and the soles of his feet in rapid succession as he ran away. She took in a deep breath, now inhaling the remnants of last night's fun on Trevor's beard.
See even gawd has abandoned you just like mommy did to daddy and that's why daddy drinks and it's because you're the ugly duckling yes you are Maddie the ugly duckling who never became the swan and that's why this is happening because only Satan loves you because you made daddy drink and mommy hate daddy and your sister is the swan now but you're just standing here and your husband isn't doing anything he's passed because he doesn't love you because you're the ugly duckling and he's all you could get this drunk asshole passed out and besides he prefers her because she does whatever and she's got those awesome tits your tits were never perfect not like hers that's what he said Tasha had the best tits ever and Tasha was just a freak of nature talented like you'll never be Maddie don't worry he said goddamn it Trevor you're such a liar but she never gave you the cootie not like me but you still love her that goddamn potato and beet eating fucking Tasha I knew she wouldn't go away she would always come back not like daddy or Jaysus but like Satan yes he does he always comes back Satan Lucifer he's here now just like that fuckfreak Rocky but dammit Tasha never gave you the poon just the bootyhole but I Maddie gave you my black cherry goddamn you I always said I'd only do that with my husband it was my first time and it hurt not like for her she's done it every time that's why she's still a virgin I was just a sacrifice and now you've abandonned mefor her goddamn I know that smell that smell of her that disgusting place where your face was and probably your cock and why do you like that so much Trevor it's so nasty it's not for love and babies it's the rejection of the ritual of life itself and I let you do it and she let you do it and that smell sulfur methane purified water glycerin hydroxyethylcellulose chlorhexidine gluconate glucono delta lactone methylparaben sodium hydroxide I know what that is the cheap shit from Wal-Mart the shit she used and what she ate I bet it was fucking cabbage and beat soup and all that oh no and that cheap perfume and oh gawd forgive me Trevor I love you but why oh why
Several more people puked. Aunt Myrtle lay unresponsive. Jane's mom flung her puke filled purse across the aisle into Trevor's family where it went unnoticed among the surging waves of chaos now ripping through what once was a freckled strawberry blond's perfect day, the day of which every little girl dreams. Someone had had the clarity of mind to call the police, and their sirens bled into the fading notes of “Against All Odds.”
And Maddie passed out.
