11/28/15

I missed the deadline yesterday because I was getting drunk with my cousins. Go ahead & sue me! One of the privileges of being my own boss & earning no revenue is that no one can reprimand me if I fail. That said, any & all monetary donations are accepted.

Black Friday is a stupid tradition. It’s retarded. If you’re one of the folks camping out, door-busting, & stomping over your fellow man in a competition for the right to pay for some plastic crap or whatever, you should, like, find a hobby. Pick up a guitar; maybe learn how to cook. Anything to provide a sense of personal satisfaction that doesn’t involve getting a better price than your neighbor. Possession is fleeting.

Maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe that’s what’s so crescent fresh about me. I won’t rule out the possibility that when I die, I’ll be turned away at heaven’s gates because I didn’t watch the sales. Like I’ll get to the door and St. Peter’ll say, “Bro. Scro. You spent a whole fucking lifetime on Earth and you didn’t ever bust one door?! Black Friday is a beautiful Christian tradition, invented by Jesus Christ, CFO. You dare turn your back on the LORD!? You dare drink with cousins instead of shop!? I CAST THEE OUT!” That’d be a drag.

Well, I’ve got to hit the rickey road back to the International Headquarters. Here’s to hoping your holiday weekend was a good time! If not, try harder next year. Holiday cheer is your own damn responsibility. It’s now officially Christmas season, folks, so remember that the best gifts in life cum free. This Christmas season, give an orgasm! 

                              Frank X Maloney