10 Ways Your Life Would Be Different If You Lost Your Penis
an artist's rendering of a man who just lost his penis.
As men, we walk around with our penises slapping from thigh to thigh like a lamb leg dangling in a butcher's shop all day long. Hey, that's life, right!? But what if one morning you woke up and your penis had just up and left? Well, the times would be a-changin' for you, buck-o! A life without a penis is no life for a man, and here's a list to prove it.
You’d be penisless.
You’d have a patch of public hair growing around a genital void.
You won’t get a vagina to replace your lost penis. Just smooth skin and pubic stubble.
You’d still have your sack and balls. This will lead to trouble, as I’m pretty sure you’d still be making semen. Lacking a penis, though, means you've got no way to release the building pressure in your testicles. You will explode and die.
Chicks won’t dig you.
Dudes won’t dig you.
Your Fleshlight just became useless.
You’ll have to stop saying stuff like, “Yeah, well you can suck my dick!” because you’d be a liar now.
You’ll go into fits of hysterical weeping when someone cracks wise and asks “Hey, how’s your dick?”
You will feel the shame of hearing “Hey, what gives?” whenever a person reaches into your trousers looking for a penis and discovers your weird penisless patch of skin that is gross.
Well, there you have it. Keep an eye on your cocks, boys!
