Something Shocking This Way Cums...
Life is a series of typically boring patterns. So it comes as no surprise that sex is one of them.
Back in middle school, actually fingering a girl was a real feat. Most guys got around to feeling girls up back then, with the pussy being goal in high school. In college, they'd get drunk and experiment around, feeling all dirty and guilty the next day. Further on, people got married and settled in for fucking boring ass missionary and all that shit. For a little fun, there might be a blowjob thrown in there or something. Hardee-har-har, what fun.
Seriously, though: FUCK THAT SHIT.
Following my initiation into Sir-Mix-A-Lot's fellowship, I sought to explore the booty in greater detail. It wasn't until I hooked up with a perfect 10 girl that I really got into the butthole. She was so hot that I could not imagine anything foul ever coming from her body, and curiously threw a pair of digits up her butt one night as I ate her out. As the wind whistled outside in the -30 Michigan night, she moaned with pleasure in the guest bedroom on the third floor of her parents' house, her mother one floor below blissfully aware. Her daughter was experiencing pleasures beyond her wildest dreams as she watched Desperate Housewives. It is one of the moments that I cherish and relive every day when I close my eyes.
Further experiments conducted over two continents (North and South America) have proven the power of anal penetration. It has, no surprise, been those hot-under-the hood honeys from south of the border that have proven more open to these manouevers, but then again they're more passionate about everything. There's no reason you can't apply it to any female. And if she's not down for it, Costa Rica and Honduras are just a plane ride away. There you shall find the true passion!
Fellow reader, you are no stranger to the fact that we here at Food and Pussy love the ass, and encourage you to explore your lady's back door. But I would also like you to look at the power in your hands, and make a real Swiss Army Knife out of your digits. Don't leave her pussy alone, as no one likes to be the odd one out, her vagina included.
Chicks have a bunch of sensitive zones below the belt: clit, G-spot, taint, and butthole, to name the most obvious. Unless you get out some fancy strap-on with vibrating cock ring, or you're some sort of mutant, you're going to have a hard time hitting them all during sex. So, take hold of your sex life and get down to business with the Shocker and varations there of!
The Classic: Two fingers in the pussy, one in the ass. This is the best starting point for trying out a shocker. It's not demanding much, and by using your pinkie to penetrate her anus, she won't freak out too badly. She may even find the pressure upon her taint to be pleasurable, and adding in a little clit rubbing with your thumb will hit nearly every area of her sensitive parts (minus the G-spot). The downside is that it can sometimes be hard to get much penetration with your pinkie. In that case there's...
The Shadow Doggie: Remember those silly shadow puppets you made in school? Not getting enough anal penetration? Then the Shadow Doggie is here to help! The Replace your pinkie with your ring finger, and get up in there! Your pinkie might get kind of tired being bent in, or just sit there, as an odd one out.
The Spocker: Leonard Nemoy would be proud to know that this is my preferred Shocker. Two use your index and middle fingers for the pussy, and the ring finger and pinkie for the ass. This one also works really well if she's lying face down.
The Vanilla Ice: Another one of my favourites, and it will have your lady screaming "Ice, Ice Baby." Curl in your index and pinkie fingers, and put your middle finger in the pussy and ring finger in the ass. This gets a good response, as using the Classic sometimes doesn't reach up far enough in her butt, and the addition of your pinkie will give her a fuller feeling. On the downside, your curled in index finger may fail to provide accurate clitoral stimulation, and will block you from using your thumb.
The Blue Whale: If your lady's quite flexible, go for this one: index, middle, and ring fingers in the cooter, and the pinkie bringing up the back door. Affords for good clit stimulation with the thumb as well.
The Harbringer of the Day of Wrath: Index finger in the pussy. The rest in the butt. This one is only for the really randy gals out there, but I suppose if you wanted to get rid of an overly anxious, instantly committed clinger, you could use this as the opening move of your foreplay.
The Twister: Do the classic shocker, but twist your index and middle fingers around. It'll fill her up just a little bit more, and the twisted fingers will provide her with ripples of pleasure.
The Double Cross: Go for the Spocker, but twist both pairs of fingers, for more intensity, and hope that your lady can really live long and prosper.
The Big Lebowski: Have her lay on her stomach, and put your index and middle fingers in her pussy, and thumb in the ass. Curl your fingers slightly and rock your hand back and forth. The large joint on your thumb will caress her outer sphincter, providing fullness and not too deep penetration. Also works well in a standing position, if you're standing behind her.
Of course, the possibilites are endless. You can always mix things up further, and as a true sextronaut, you shall indeed do this. Don't forget, of course, to use lube--vaginal juices are great for this, by the way. I unlocked the possibilities in the summer of 2008, while under the heavy influence of hash, pot, and purple drank. I am awaiting my Brazilian ayahuasca trip to fully unlock the potential of the Shocker...
