Satante's I-Shart-On-Your-Sanctions Schi

A few months back, Western counties slapped my adopted homeland with a barrage of sanctions. Russia responded with banning Western food imports. The result is that my money doesn't go far, and Western food is basically unheard of. With the ensuing economic collapse, shit's gotten out of control expensive. The country's in a slump and I'm down in the dumps. Life for the Russian people fucking sucks.

Well, no, it doesn't, as this country's endured far worse. But it's not a hell of a lot of fun.

And there's one answer, one saviour. It doesn't heal the sick and raise dead, and sadly, it doesn't come from boiling clouds of thunder. My saviour comes in the form of the most traditional of Russian dishes. I'm not talking borsch--that stuff was invented in Ukraine, and though it's a staple of the Russian diet, I'm not going to give our neighbour to the West any more attention...no, they've caused me enough headaches, particularly during the summers of 2008 and 2010, well before the current fiasco.

This saviour is schi, a traditional Russian cabbage soup that will warm your soul and give you the power to judo kick your economic woes in the balls.

Nate JacobsMarch 5, 2015soup, schi, russia, nate jacobs, satante, cabbageComment

Zhannah's Joy (Smoked Salmon and Cucumber Salad)

What chili peppers and all things hot are to the Mexican palatte, salty fish is to the Russian palette. The most important of these salty fish is salted cod, which is really not appealing to me. And possibly the most beloved salad over here is salt cod under a fur coat (селёдька под шубой), which is minced salt cod covered with cooked shredded beets, carrots, and potatoes, all swimming in mayonnaise. Now, doesn't that just get your mouth watering?

Oh, did I forget mayonnaise? How about dill? I think that you could add either of those two to anything, and it will become de facto Russian cultural property. Take for example the "burrito" I bought from the local food version of Wal-Mart. The outside resembled a chimichanga, wrapped in Armenian flat bread and fried, and the inside...well, it was pickles, mayo, dill, and something that resembled ham. Though I could appreciate how appropriate it would be under the influence, my stomach just wasn't up for it at 3 in the afternoon.

My wife, on the other hand, absolutely loves salted cod and heavy food. I have made salt cod under a fur coat a few times, but my results weren't fantastic, and then she ended up eating all of it on her lonesome. I had to create something that would convince me that I could somehow keep my sexy figure while appealing to my wife's lust for salty stuff. Mayonnaise was out of the question, and so was salted cod.

Then I saw the capers in the shitty shitty grocery store next to the metro station.

What follows is a simple salad that is far from manly food, but if you catch and smoke the salmon yourself, you'll save yourself from any potential emasculation. And if you catch said salmon with your teeth, you are the bombshit.

Oh, and by the way, this salad is named after my wife.

Nate JacobsJanuary 15, 2015salad, nate jacobs, salmon, smoked, lox, russiaComment

Taste testing the forbidden fruit.