Sichuan Satan Salad

If normal peppers are the drugs to which I am horribly addicted, then Sichuan peppercorns are psychedelics. While most peppers produce some sort of burning or tingling on the Scoville spectrum, Sichuan have some of the weirdest goddamn effects I've ever felt. Imagine a burning, but not so much in heat as in numbness. And it's not really a numbness, but some whacked out narcotic tingling sensation. And it leaves your mouth not reeling, but seemingly cleansed by some foreign antiseptic, and wondering just what sort of bastard botanical graced its naughty parts.

Nate JacobsOctober 30, 2015salad, sichuan, peppers, nate jacobsComment

The Dole Salad

First, the salad is pronounced Do-lay, and not Dole. This has nothing to do with bananas, and everything to do with Mexico, even though it's probably not traditionally Mexican. But it's about the best tribute I can muster to Dole and all the other Mexicans I know, as a way of saying thanks for the immense hospitality they showed me.

Back in 2007, one of my co-workers invited me to his little sister's 15th birthday party in Guadalajara, Mexico. That's a real big deal down there, like a wedding or something, so for the week leading up to it, there were parties and feasts going on all the time. Rivers of tequila flowed like blood through the streets, and avalanches of grilled meat and tortillas threatened to bury the city. Good times, for sure.

And Mexicans know how to party. I dare say that they know how to get the best out of life and make people feel welcome even more than the Brazilians. It could be the sun, the tequila, or the fact that life's rough down there and you've got to put on a big smile to get by, but everyone everyone I met was awesome. One of the most notable residents was this dude, Dole, from a small village called Ojuelos, about 2 hours from Guadalajara. He's a quirky guy, never without his Walkman, and likes to dance and sing. He wanted me to give him 10 pesos to buy batteries for his Walkman, but sadly I didn't have enough cash on me at the time. Maybe I'll send him some cash some day.

But let's not forget about the food here. Mexico's got the spiciest damn food I've ever had, and a lot of the tastiest, second only to Brazilian food. You could write a book about all the delicious stuff down there, but unless you've been to Mexico or live in a big city with a sizable Mexican population, you're not going to find it.

One of the weirdest things I tried was grilled cactus. We ate it with grilled meat, and it's a bit like slimy, sour and bitter asparagus. Sure, the description may not sound appetizing, but I'm sure that it's good for you. It's not for everyone, but I love it.

Nate JacobsOctober 9, 2015nate jacobs, food, salad, cactus, spicy, mexican, mexico, recipeComment

The Myshka Salad (aka Satanate's Best Carrot Salad)

Open up the gates of hell (in your mouth) with this salad! I decided to throw a curve ball with this one, which is a variation on the Russian "Korean" carrot salad and Afghan pickled carrots. I can't be bothered to pickle carrots, especially because it takes too much time and my wife doesn't like them. She likes the fact that they take up so much damn room in the refridgerator even less. And while "Korean" carrots are tasty, they're really greasy, and probably loaded with MSG and flavour enhancers.

Nate JacobsFebruary 24, 2015nate jacobs, salad, carrots, spicyComment

Zhannah's Joy (Smoked Salmon and Cucumber Salad)

What chili peppers and all things hot are to the Mexican palatte, salty fish is to the Russian palette. The most important of these salty fish is salted cod, which is really not appealing to me. And possibly the most beloved salad over here is salt cod under a fur coat (селёдька под шубой), which is minced salt cod covered with cooked shredded beets, carrots, and potatoes, all swimming in mayonnaise. Now, doesn't that just get your mouth watering?

Oh, did I forget mayonnaise? How about dill? I think that you could add either of those two to anything, and it will become de facto Russian cultural property. Take for example the "burrito" I bought from the local food version of Wal-Mart. The outside resembled a chimichanga, wrapped in Armenian flat bread and fried, and the inside...well, it was pickles, mayo, dill, and something that resembled ham. Though I could appreciate how appropriate it would be under the influence, my stomach just wasn't up for it at 3 in the afternoon.

My wife, on the other hand, absolutely loves salted cod and heavy food. I have made salt cod under a fur coat a few times, but my results weren't fantastic, and then she ended up eating all of it on her lonesome. I had to create something that would convince me that I could somehow keep my sexy figure while appealing to my wife's lust for salty stuff. Mayonnaise was out of the question, and so was salted cod.

Then I saw the capers in the shitty shitty grocery store next to the metro station.

What follows is a simple salad that is far from manly food, but if you catch and smoke the salmon yourself, you'll save yourself from any potential emasculation. And if you catch said salmon with your teeth, you are the bombshit.

Oh, and by the way, this salad is named after my wife.

Nate JacobsJanuary 15, 2015salad, nate jacobs, salmon, smoked, lox, russiaComment

Taste testing the forbidden fruit.