Piggage!

Upon learning that my girlfriend loves sauerkraut, I knew that I had found someone really special. The fact that she is also a huge fan of soup in general, was also a blessing, because I love to cook soup, I love to feed other people soup, and I always cook way too much soup.

But still, one problem remained, if I was ever to take the relationship to the next level: how could I make her love my homeland? What could possibly convince her that Door County is the absolute best place on the planet? I had tried showing her pictures of the islands and lakes. I had tried to entice her with tales of high adventure, usually involving some beach and the company of other esteemed people, such as Mr. Zambezi, Frank Maloney, and the Notorious P.I.G. It was all in vain. But there remained one way that I hoped would work...

Through her stomach.

Nate JacobsDecember 24, 2015nate jacobs, piggage, pig, pork, soup, pork soup, sauerkraut, pickles, bratwurst, door county, wisconsin, cooking for your ladyComment

Sichuan Satan Salad

If normal peppers are the drugs to which I am horribly addicted, then Sichuan peppercorns are psychedelics. While most peppers produce some sort of burning or tingling on the Scoville spectrum, Sichuan have some of the weirdest goddamn effects I've ever felt. Imagine a burning, but not so much in heat as in numbness. And it's not really a numbness, but some whacked out narcotic tingling sensation. And it leaves your mouth not reeling, but seemingly cleansed by some foreign antiseptic, and wondering just what sort of bastard botanical graced its naughty parts.

Nate JacobsOctober 30, 2015salad, sichuan, peppers, nate jacobsComment

The Dole Salad

First, the salad is pronounced Do-lay, and not Dole. This has nothing to do with bananas, and everything to do with Mexico, even though it's probably not traditionally Mexican. But it's about the best tribute I can muster to Dole and all the other Mexicans I know, as a way of saying thanks for the immense hospitality they showed me.

Back in 2007, one of my co-workers invited me to his little sister's 15th birthday party in Guadalajara, Mexico. That's a real big deal down there, like a wedding or something, so for the week leading up to it, there were parties and feasts going on all the time. Rivers of tequila flowed like blood through the streets, and avalanches of grilled meat and tortillas threatened to bury the city. Good times, for sure.

And Mexicans know how to party. I dare say that they know how to get the best out of life and make people feel welcome even more than the Brazilians. It could be the sun, the tequila, or the fact that life's rough down there and you've got to put on a big smile to get by, but everyone everyone I met was awesome. One of the most notable residents was this dude, Dole, from a small village called Ojuelos, about 2 hours from Guadalajara. He's a quirky guy, never without his Walkman, and likes to dance and sing. He wanted me to give him 10 pesos to buy batteries for his Walkman, but sadly I didn't have enough cash on me at the time. Maybe I'll send him some cash some day.

But let's not forget about the food here. Mexico's got the spiciest damn food I've ever had, and a lot of the tastiest, second only to Brazilian food. You could write a book about all the delicious stuff down there, but unless you've been to Mexico or live in a big city with a sizable Mexican population, you're not going to find it.

One of the weirdest things I tried was grilled cactus. We ate it with grilled meat, and it's a bit like slimy, sour and bitter asparagus. Sure, the description may not sound appetizing, but I'm sure that it's good for you. It's not for everyone, but I love it.

Nate JacobsOctober 9, 2015nate jacobs, food, salad, cactus, spicy, mexican, mexico, recipeComment

Satante's I-Shart-On-Your-Sanctions Schi

A few months back, Western counties slapped my adopted homeland with a barrage of sanctions. Russia responded with banning Western food imports. The result is that my money doesn't go far, and Western food is basically unheard of. With the ensuing economic collapse, shit's gotten out of control expensive. The country's in a slump and I'm down in the dumps. Life for the Russian people fucking sucks.

Well, no, it doesn't, as this country's endured far worse. But it's not a hell of a lot of fun.

And there's one answer, one saviour. It doesn't heal the sick and raise dead, and sadly, it doesn't come from boiling clouds of thunder. My saviour comes in the form of the most traditional of Russian dishes. I'm not talking borsch--that stuff was invented in Ukraine, and though it's a staple of the Russian diet, I'm not going to give our neighbour to the West any more attention...no, they've caused me enough headaches, particularly during the summers of 2008 and 2010, well before the current fiasco.

This saviour is schi, a traditional Russian cabbage soup that will warm your soul and give you the power to judo kick your economic woes in the balls.

Nate JacobsMarch 5, 2015soup, schi, russia, nate jacobs, satante, cabbageComment

Satante's Haram Pork Soup

I'm a big fan of Middle Eastern and Central Asian cooking, but the whole thing about pork being haram (Arabic: forbidden) really bums me out. Legend has it that ancient Kievian Rus took up Christianity because the proto-Russians liked to drink too much. And so my love of pork keeps me from converting to some Abrahamic religions, just like my love of going commando keeps me from becoming Mormon, and my lust for beef keeps me from becoming Hindu...you get the idea.

Russians living in Uzbekistan have gotten around this by producing plov with pork (see my other article), and if you go to Orthodox Armenia, you can find delicious pork dishes with more exotic spices being prepared. Still, how was I to incorporate the noble pig into the culinary delights of Afghanistan to please my pork loving family? I came up with this, using the traditional Afghan tastes of garlic, cilantro, turmeric, and chilis with pork.

So, here's my soup. By the way, you can use other meat too, for a more "traditional" taste, preferably mutton, but that shit's just way too expensive for me.

Nate JacobsFebruary 25, 2015nate jacobs, pork, soup, middle eastComment

The Myshka Salad (aka Satanate's Best Carrot Salad)

Open up the gates of hell (in your mouth) with this salad! I decided to throw a curve ball with this one, which is a variation on the Russian "Korean" carrot salad and Afghan pickled carrots. I can't be bothered to pickle carrots, especially because it takes too much time and my wife doesn't like them. She likes the fact that they take up so much damn room in the refridgerator even less. And while "Korean" carrots are tasty, they're really greasy, and probably loaded with MSG and flavour enhancers.

Nate JacobsFebruary 24, 2015nate jacobs, salad, carrots, spicyComment

Zhannah's Joy (Smoked Salmon and Cucumber Salad)

What chili peppers and all things hot are to the Mexican palatte, salty fish is to the Russian palette. The most important of these salty fish is salted cod, which is really not appealing to me. And possibly the most beloved salad over here is salt cod under a fur coat (селёдька под шубой), which is minced salt cod covered with cooked shredded beets, carrots, and potatoes, all swimming in mayonnaise. Now, doesn't that just get your mouth watering?

Oh, did I forget mayonnaise? How about dill? I think that you could add either of those two to anything, and it will become de facto Russian cultural property. Take for example the "burrito" I bought from the local food version of Wal-Mart. The outside resembled a chimichanga, wrapped in Armenian flat bread and fried, and the inside...well, it was pickles, mayo, dill, and something that resembled ham. Though I could appreciate how appropriate it would be under the influence, my stomach just wasn't up for it at 3 in the afternoon.

My wife, on the other hand, absolutely loves salted cod and heavy food. I have made salt cod under a fur coat a few times, but my results weren't fantastic, and then she ended up eating all of it on her lonesome. I had to create something that would convince me that I could somehow keep my sexy figure while appealing to my wife's lust for salty stuff. Mayonnaise was out of the question, and so was salted cod.

Then I saw the capers in the shitty shitty grocery store next to the metro station.

What follows is a simple salad that is far from manly food, but if you catch and smoke the salmon yourself, you'll save yourself from any potential emasculation. And if you catch said salmon with your teeth, you are the bombshit.

Oh, and by the way, this salad is named after my wife.

Nate JacobsJanuary 15, 2015salad, nate jacobs, salmon, smoked, lox, russiaComment

Uzbek Plov

Uzbek food is to Russians what Mexican food is to Americans: a spicy, inexpensive, and delicious alternative to other meat and potato options. And they're not just similar in function, but in spices as well, as cumin, onion, garlic, cilantro, and red pepper play a key role in both. I guess that could be attributed to the fact that both Mexico and Uzbekistan are mostly dry, hot places, with an ancient culinary tradition. Whatever the reason, Uzbek food is fucking awesome, matched only by the former Soviet state of Georgia...but that's another story.

I fell absolultely in love with plov on my 2010 journey to Russia, when a colleague of my friend Nina prepared a batch. I ate myself stupid, so stupid that I ended up hoarding packs of plov spice mix so that I could prepare the same dish back home. Not surprisingly, my version didn't turn out as well as I had hoped--it didn't have the chewy grains of rice, the tender morsels of pork, nor the right amount of salt. Here, I'm going to tell you how to do it the right way.

First off, there are two things that are paramount to a successful plov: a GAS STOVE and a big ass pot with a thick bottom. Those capitals are no mistake: I am shouting at you, because if you cook plov on an electric stove, you probably won't get the same result unless you are an absolute wizard with those bastardly dials.

Due to Islamic dietary laws, plov is usually prepared with mutton or lamb, and though this will give you a truely Uzbek taste, I prefer pork, because it browns nicely and its the most noble of all meat. You can use venison, though, or beef. But don't puss out and use chicken; the flavour of chicken is too weak to fight with the strong flavours and garlic and cumin. (If you can, however, fiddle with the spices, you can come up with your own chicken version. I just don't recommend it.)

So, here's what you'll need:

Nate JacobsDecember 14, 2014recipe, uzbek, plov, food, nate jacobsComment

Taste testing the forbidden fruit.